Me
and public speaking have a dysfunctional relationship. Sort of like Carrie and
Mr. Big only more... abstract.
For
a long time I’ve known about public speaking, a lot of my friends told me he
was a really nice guy. Someone you could really get into the flow with. Some
people have even been on dates with him, using him as a platform to get their
ideas and abilities across to great success.
In
my head, I imagined myself and public speaking would get on like a house on
fire. So I set up a date for the two of us. I decided to run for a committee
position for the student radio. That’s four candidates, two positions, and a
two and a half minute speech.
What could be easier?
Walking
home from university, I fantasised about how great my time with public speaking
would be. Maybe I would open up with a joke (in my head people would laugh),
maybe I would walk around on stage a bit (really own that shit, you know?), or
maybe I would make a really in-group remark and make people believe I’m part of
the ‘gang’. But more importantly than all that I would be concise, clear, calm,
and convincing.
I’d
literally scream: I’M THE WOMAN FOR THE JOB!
Only
not actually scream it because that’s socially awkward, and not at all what
people with great public speaking abilities do. No, I would scream it subtly. With my face and words, or some shit like that.
 |
| With a face like this, how could anyone resist? #sexy |
Of
course, those of you who may know me, might have guessed that this fantasy was
indeed just that – a fantasy. Because like all great dates, that in your head
work like a dream and end up with you curled up in bed the next morning with a
Chris Hemsworth look-alike, and then in reality have you sneaking out the
window in the ladies toilet because he looks more like Chris Moyles – my date
with public speaking crashed and burned. Except with thirty odd people all
staring at you, it’s a lot harder to make a cheeky window escape.
It’s
hard to pinpoint where my date with Public Speaking went wrong. If public
speaking was a person, or more specifically a man, he would be one of the
buffest most charismatic men – ever. And I imagine he would also be a bit of a
dick head. One of those people who would pretend to compliment you, but would
in fact be calling you a twat.
Or
maybe I’m just taking my own metaphor too seriously.
 |
| Look at this guy, he's obviously great at public speaking and obviously a twat. The woman in the front row well wants to bang him. Image stolen from here. |
Maybe
I should start again, and give you all a play by play of what actually happened
when I tried my hand at public speaking. For a start, I truly believed I would
be good at it. When it comes to interviews, I rock those bitches. I somehow
managed to convince the store I work in now that I was an outdoorsy person,
when really I’m more likely to surf the web as a form of exercise instead of actually surfing. But hey, a students
got to do, what a students got to do, to pay those bills.
However,
my TERRIFIC ability to bullshit was sort of made void when I realised that
EVERYONE had an amazing ability to bullshit. Not only that, they could do it to
thirty people at once, as opposed to me who had only done it to two people at a
time (I like the ability to stare people down, kinda like the snake in Jungle
Book). And on top of all of this, most of the people there were friends with
most of the people there. As opposed to me who had a pseudo lesbian
relationship with my friend Izy and a semi friendship with someone off the
committee that was based off him MAKING ME LOOK GOOD.
Now
to his credit, he did his best. He tried to sell me to the masses, but it was
kind of like trying to flog a three legged cow at the rodeo. Or maybe a shaky
dog would be a more fitting description. Of course, when dogs get nervous and
start shaking, it’s deemed as cute, even when they piss on the carpet. When a
grown woman starts to shake, it’s somewhat less cute, and people aren’t quite
as forgiving about the mess on the carpet.
Now
people who are bad at public speaking, and I’m guessing there’s a lot of us out
there, will understand what I mean when I say it felt like my body was
REJECTING the act. My body was so horrified that I was putting myself through
the act of speaking in public, that it had what can only be deemed, as in
involuntary exorcism[1].
The
online dictionary defines an exorcism as ‘the ceremony that seeks to expel an evil
spirit from a person or place.’
In this case, the evil spirit was the situation of me trying to convince thirty
plus people to like me. And even though I haven’t watched The Exorcist, I have
watched enough rock videos to know that I ticked a lot of the boxes.
Let’s
start with vomiting – check, or close to checking (I swallowed it).
Babbling
profanities and general shit talking – CHECK!
Body
contorting in odd positions – Check, and don’t ask.
I’m
sure there are others, but I’m trying not to relive the moment as much as
possible. So what did I learn from this experience?
I
suppose I could say that by merely experiencing the horrors of public speaking[2],
I have become a better person. One of those, what doesn’t kill you can only
make you stronger, kind of things. But really, the only lesson I really took
away from this was:
Next time I’m just going
to sleep with the guy counting the votes.
[1] As
opposed to those voluntary exorcisms, that everyone’s queuing up for
#chattingshit
[2]
For those of you who have made it through this massive rant, please reward
yourself by going back, rereading this crap and having a shot of booze for
every time I use the words ‘public speaking’. That way we can be hammered
together – won’t that be beautiful?
