It’s the second to last day of my holiday. I’m in a busy
market place. So many stalls, so many sights and sounds – so many gift ideas. I
can feel myself starting to sweat, and for once it isn’t because of the
weather. Where do you start when buying your boyfriend a present? A spontaneous
present no less.
You often hear men lament ‘woman are SOOO hard to buy for!’
Or the ever persistent question of ‘what do women want?’ To these pointless
questions I laugh, LAUGH I TELL YOU! What do women want? Just take five minutes
to look around her room and you’ll know. The only reason men pretend otherwise,
is that when they remember their GF’s birthday on their way home from work, and
only one dingy service station is open, they can burst through the door and
present said woman with some windscreen wipers and calmly say: ‘Well honey, you
know I don’t find it easy shopping for a woman. The blame obviously lies with
you for having a vagina.’
If men only took a minute or two to step into their partners
‘space’, the part of the house they have marked, not with urine, but with
bunting that says ‘A GIRL WAS HERE’, they would know what said woman would
want. Two minutes in my room and a monkey could work out that giving me
anything from IKEA with a floral pattern on, or a box set from HBO would make
me a very happy bunny. I want people to know what I like. Come birthdays,
Christmas, anniversaries, I basically send a list to my loved ones demanding
shit that I want.
Why?
Because I want a lot of stuff and I haven’t learned to shit
money yet.
Assigning people BBC dramas really boosted my collection at Christmas |
This is the difference between men and women. Women need a
lot of stuff. We have to buy make up, clothes, nice underwear, several piles of
shoes, smelly shower stuff, smelly lotion stuff. By the time all this stuff is
bought in order to make us look acceptable, we don’t have money to spare for
things like The Wire box set. A man on the other hand, literally has to buy
some deodorant once a month and he’s done. Instead of foundation, he’s free to
splurge on Mass Effect 3, instead of Palmers Coco Butter, he buys that Futurama
poster he spotted last week. Consumerism opens its arms to men and says ‘whats
mine is yours TAKE IT! RUN FREEEE, AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS!’ Meanwhile, women
are chained to the Topshop website, putting at least 50 items into their wish
list and counting down the days until their next birthday.
What this ultimately means, is that come your boyfriends
birthday, when you demand to know what he wants (‘and no love, a love coupon
doesn’t count’) he breezily replies: ‘Oh I dunno, I’ve basically got everything
I want’. To a woman this is unimaginable. Isn’t there a DVD you want? (‘Bought
three last week’) A CD you want to hear? (‘Ituned that shit yesterday’) How
about some new shoes? (‘I already have two pairs, I don’t want to go mental’) How
about... erm.... a.... love coupon? (‘Now we’re talking!’)
Unfortunately for me there wasn’t a love coupon stall in
Malaga. And besides, only 6 months into the relationship, sex is still pretty
much a given. Maybe in a few years time,
when my libido has calmed down, and sex becomes one of those rare treats, like
Lord of the Rings boxset days, I’ll be able to get away with a cheeky throw
around as present material. Until that time though, I’m stuck staring at flip
flops. ‘How about these?’ My Mum suggests, holding up some leather sandals. ‘No,
he’s too fussy with his flip flops.’
‘These sun glasses.’
‘He has some.’
‘A Frisbee, didn’t you say he likes Frisbee?’ (My boyfriend
doesn’t like Frisbee, he loves Frisbee. He’s the vice captain of the Frisbee
team. He has a custom Frisbee kit. When we make love I can in his eyes my
breast blur into Frisbee circles.)
‘I don’t think I want to step into that territory.’
‘Well what else does this boy like?’
I think about this for a minute. What does he like that he doesn’t
already have? And then a see it, glimmering in the distance like Jesus in a
sequin cocktail dress, ‘ROCKS!’
Not just any rocks, fancy rocks. Rocks with bits of crystal
in. Shiny rocks. My brain isso frazzled by stress and the Spanish sunshine,
that I have started to believe my boyfriend is half Geologist and half magpie.
‘Give me the shiniest rock you have, gimme that one on the left, it’s pointy
like an arrow – it’s a manly, shiny rock.’
I failed to take a picture of this manly rock, so here's the Microsoft Paint version. Look how MANLY it is! |
When presented with said ‘manly’ rock at the airport I can
tell he is overwhelmed with the gesture. ‘It’s a rock,’ he says.
‘Yes but it’s got those shiny bits there.’
‘Oh yeah... Looks like Fools Gold.’
‘AHA! My plan all along! I’m helping you flecks your geology
muscles. If presented with a question on Fools gold in the exam you’ll be able
to think back to my amazing present – in fact it’s more than a present, IT’S
HELPING YOUR DEGREE! IT’S MAKING YOU A BETTER PERSON!’
‘Well it’s the most revision I’ve done all week to be
honest, I bought Mass Effect while you were a way.’
Shit, I
think to myself. I was going to buy him
that for our anniversary.
Maybe a love coupon isn’t such a bad idea...
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Leave a comment and have a special place in my heart (and vagina) x